posted Rocktober 01, 2007 08:59 AM                      

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Originally posted by Flufffer:
I have a question for you all:

I am no longer on BC and so we are now "open" to conceiving. While we are in this stage - not using BC but not yet preggers (that I am aware of,) is it necessary to stay away from all the things pregnant women stay away from? I have been drinking wine, taking OTC meds, eating sushi, etc., and I am not sure if that is kosher or what.

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posted Rocktober 01, 2007 09:58 AM                      

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booze, sushi, deli meats and hot dogs (actually those are fine if cooked), soft, unpasteurized cheeses, large fish that eat other fist (tuna and swordfish; salmon is okay and even recommended), regular tuna (mercury has been linked with autism, though it hasn't been proven to cause it), bi-valves (like mussels or scallops), aspirin and ibuprofen. Beware of herbal supplements and teas.

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Holy jeebus, you just described my daily diet! Seriously. I have ingested almost everything listed above over the last couple of weeks. It is unlikely I am preggers, as I don't think I have ovulated yet and this is our first cycle of trying, but still....eep.

Dude, I hope it is a girl! I am also still vacillating over getting excited about having a baby and then losing my shit. I know this is fucked up, but the idea of being pregnant is NOT APPEALING to me. I don't get the whole love of bring pregnant. It seems so weird and bizarre, like having an alien inside you. I am also generally a bundle of insecurities about this, which is ironic because I work with kids and love it. What if I don't like being a mom? I mean, there are people out there who regret having kids, right? And all those studies that say couples are less happy after having kids? And losing my youth/sexuality/body? I can freak myself out, in case you haven't noticed.

posted Rocktober 01, 2007 11:37 AM                      

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Originally posted by katybird:
Also, crack. You should cut way back on the crack.

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posted Rocktober 01, 2007 11:53 AM                      

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Originally posted by Flufffer:
[QUOTE] I know this is fucked up, but the idea of being pregnant is NOT APPEALING to me. I don't get the whole love of bring pregnant. It seems so weird and bizarre, like having an alien inside you. I am also generally a bundle of insecurities about this, which is ironic because I work with kids and love it. What if I don't like being a mom? I mean, there are people out there who regret having kids, right? And all those studies that say couples are less happy after having kids? And losing my youth/sexuality/body? I can freak myself out, in case you haven't noticed.

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a. It is not fucked up
b. Or if it is, a lot of people are also fucked up
c. I TOTALLY thought I'd feel the same way, but I didn't. I think it's because you don't really *feel* pregnany all at once. It's a gradual thing. And making those food sacrifices, as well as other sacrifices (limiting activities or whatever) helped me to bond with him, WAY before he was born. Weird.

Well, of course people out there regret being a mom! But I wonder how many of those people really and truly CHOSE the option. Your advanced age will be a benefit in this respect. I can honestly tell you that I have patience for the not-so-pleasant parts of motherhood most of the time because I am able to remember how quickly it will all go by. It helps me to appreciate all of it. I don't think I would have done this when I was younger, at all.

You will lose your youth/ sexuality/ body if you choose to. I know plenty of women with kids who still work out, run marathons and look great. You just need to give yourself time to get back there.

Personally, I have decided to try to stay healthy but not worry too much about my weight until I'm pretty sure I'm done breeding. And when I am, and I'm done breastfeeding and everything, I'm going to do weight watchers and take some time to really focus on working out-- I'll invest in yoga classes or whatever.

Just remember that everything doesn't happen all at once.

As far as couples being less happy after kids... I don't know. I would say that whatever the dynamic is in your relationship now will probably just intensify. If your husband seems lazy at times now, he's gonna seem a hundred times lazier when it feels like you're doing everything. And that will probably piss you off. You know?

Oh- and if you're breastfeeding, you really will be doing everything for a while. It's just the way it is. It's hard not to resent at times, but it really does get easier, if for no other reason than that you develop a routine.

Again, keep in mind that it all goes by really quickly. In the beginning, the days are really long, but the weeks and months fly by.

And who knows? You may get one of those super chill babies that sleep all the time and utter the merest whine when they want to be fed or changed.

But even if you get a screamer like mine, you can take comfort in the fact that (s)he will probably be bright, active and expressive, once the screaming stops.

I think I've said this before, but my biggest piece of advice is to have one or two pregnancy books handy, but spend your time reading about infant care and development. And BREASTFEEDING, jeez. And parenting. You will not remember it all, but you'll still be ahead of the game and I think you'll feel a lot more confident. AND it'll take the focus off of YOU and put it on your baby, which may help your psyche. You will love all the development stuff-- it's fascinating. I am happy to review what I've read so far, and I know Kiki and Lima have recommendations, too.

About the food: don't sweat it. You aren't actually pregnant yet and you haven't done lasting damage or anything. Most of the stuff on that list is precautionary, better-safe-than-sorry-type-stuff, though some things (like alcohol and aspirin) have been proven specifically to harm the fetus.

Here are a couple of guides from the internet; there are a ton more: From Pregnancy Today
From the Mayo Clinic

[ Rocktober 01, 2007, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: Ozma. ]

posted Rocktober 01, 2007 12:33 PM                      

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Originally posted by lima bean:
I may be the weird one. Not only did I love being pregnant, but long before I was, I wanted to be pregnant, even though I was not sure if I actually wanted kids.

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You are not alone on that one. I also loved being pregnant.

And, Fluff, all your fears are valid and normal. Listen to Ozma . . . she KNOWS. Lima too . All I can say is don't forget to take time to ENJOY it. It's really can be facinating and wonderful.

posted Rocktober 02, 2007 12:52 PM                     

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Originally posted by Ozma.:
If your husband seems lazy at times now, he's gonna seem a hundred times lazier when it feels like you're doing everything. And that will probably piss you off. You know?

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posted Rocktober 03, 2007 04:28 AM                      

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Originally posted by Ironie:
I actually work with a woman who loves being pregnant. Seriously. She's like 26 and has like five kids.

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posted Rocktober 03, 2007 07:53 AM                      

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Originally posted by Flufffer:

I know that part of my worry is, as I have said before, having a mom that, after a point, was not especially maternal. Of course, now I know part of it was her depression, but I guess, like many other people out there, having not had the strongest maternal role model (she could have been a lot worse, of course, but still) makes me insecure about my own abilities as a mom.

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posted Rocktober 03, 2007 09:46 AM                      

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Originally posted by Flufffer:
I know that part of my worry is, as I have said before, having a mom that, after a point, was not especially maternal. Of course, now I know part of it was her depression, but I guess, like many other people out there, having not had the strongest maternal role model (she could have been a lot worse, of course, but still) makes me insecure about my own abilities as a mom.

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posted Rocktober 05, 2007 09:31 AM                      

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Originally posted by Flufffer:
It is so good to hear you all have/had similar worries. There is such a myth out there that we should all be totally in baby lust, and to voice another opinion can be pretty taboo.

I know that part of my worry is, as I have said before, having a mom that, after a point, was not especially maternal. Of course, now I know part of it was her depression, but I guess, like many other people out there, having not had the strongest maternal role model (she could have been a lot worse, of course, but still) makes me insecure about my own abilities as a mom.

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Yeah, I remember talking openly about how much I hated being pregnant and women just laughing and thanking me for being so forthright, b/c all they'd ever heard was, "It's BLISS!"

And for some women it is. I know people who never felt better than the times they were pregnant. For me, I've never felt worse for such an extended period of time. Months of morning sickness. Just a prolonged feeling of being "off." Feeling huge and tired. Ugh. And I did feel like, "What's wrong with ME as a woman?! Shouldn't I be loving this?" But you know what, it pretty much seems to even out. Bad pregnancy evens out with good birth or happy baby. Happy baby evens out with hell-on-wheels toddler. Etc.

And I had the EXACT same worries about lack of maternal role model. I wasn't basking in the unconditional love of parents, exactly, so I was VERY nervous about being able to provide that for my kid.

But I'm finding so much that through my kids, I'm healing myself and sort of "re-parenting" myself. (Not to sound too hokey/new age.) But so many things about my childhood take on a whole different perspective now that I have kids. And I'm forgiving myself and my parents, and seeing how they were really struggling but how badly some of their decisions/actions affected us.

The easy part is deciding, "I will NOT do that to my kids!" The hart part is having something on hand to replace "that" with.

So, like, I've decided that I will not use shaming and punishment with my kids. But, in the absence of that, do I even know what to do instead?

What's worked for me is to hang out on gentle discipline boards and consensual living/mindful parenting/unschooling Yahoo groups. So I can hear other mothers describe a whole different approach. And hearing how their older kids are, and how their relationships are is so different than the adversarial paradigm that I experienced and figured was the norm.

The other hard part, I've found, is to let go of that, "Now I'm the adult, and FINALLY it's MY turn." My turn to be in control, have a say, be heard, make choices, etc. Because so much of that was NOT part of my experience as a kid. And somewhere I was just waiting for the chance to be a grown-up and have that autonomy. Of course, I quickly realized that with that, I would be infliciting the very thing I loathed onto my kids. And I definitely don't want to do that. But, there was (and sometimes I can still slip back into it) a period of self-pity like, "Sigh. Now I have to give up this, too?!" But, I don't, really. I can still have all the control I want over myself. Just because I'm not bossing someone else around, doesn't mean that I can't take responsibility/control over my own self. So that's been a growth opportunity for me.

Any. Way. Being mindful of it is key. You will heal that stuff from your childhood. Or pass it on. And probably a bit of both.

Alright...I gotta play Duck, Duck, Goose now. Something my mother NEVER would have done.

posted Rocktober 05, 2007 10:03 AM                      

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Originally posted by Kiki McFlailey:
But you know what, it pretty much seems to even out. Bad pregnancy evens out with good birth or happy baby. Happy baby evens out with hell-on-wheels toddler. Etc.

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