Remember the original Barbie? Not the horrible tan, toothy, vacant, big-eyed Baywatch Barbie of today*, but that Trouble Teen of yesteryear, the Slutty Barbie. With the powdered skin and the pouty red mouth and lots of eyeliner, knowingly cutting her eyes? The Barbie who looked like she had seen a little too much. I say, bring back the old Barbie! Bring back the slut. Give me a Barbie that says "What are you doing later?" and "Why don't we go back to your place?" instead of "Math is hard." That's the role model we need these days. After all, who could be more All-American than Barbie? And who could better represent and cultivate the demurely knowing slut in us all?

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*Modern Barbie has really improved since I wrote this piece. Following the advice of 3 - 11 year old girls, Mattel resculpted the toothy big-eyed mid-90s Barbie to have a fuller mouth, a more tentative smile, wide-set (but not so wide-open) eyes, and allegedly smaller boobs, larger waist, and smaller hips, although the proportions look exactly the same to me (I just peaked under Bubble Fairry Theresa's dress to make sure).