Disgruntled Housewife: The Seven Deadly Sins: Sloth

Sloth

Because you have plundered many nations, the peoples who are left will plunder you.

Ah, Sloth. My old friend. A little shallow introspection brought on the obvious realization that yes, I am indeed a slave to Sloth.

But Sloth is the happiest of the Seven Deadly Sins. Like gambling and prostitution, it's a victimless crime. Just ask a gambling addict or your favorite prostitute.

I can't remember what Sloth looked like in Faust, but in my mind, it's somewhere between a happy little kitten in sleepy dreamland and my boyfriend passed out on the couch in a food-stained wife-beater and dirty underwear.

Followers of the Cult of Sloth tend to be annoyingly hyper when they're not asleep. This is usually late at night, when those afflicted with lust are busy and those afflicted with the other five sins are fast asleep.

Sloth is why I've been wearing the same underwear and pajamas for the last three days. Sloth is why Rate the Superhunks and The Celebrity Breast Jumble are still in the planning stage. Sloth is why I never followed through with a lawyer to get my $700 deposit back from my charming former landlords (Marceline and Jeryl Hart of 5909 Paseo del Toro, Austin, Texas, 78731, 512-450-0773). Sloth is why I have huge piles of paper stacked up around my life. Sloth is why there are mountains of crumpled Kleenex surrounding me right now.

The beauty of Sloth is that you always have an acceptable excuse: "I was too busy." Being busy is always Sloth's alibi, and Sloth's followers always have it on the tips of their tongues. And since slothful people spend a great deal of time alone in their homes, there's never anyone to disprove them.

Are you slothful? Take this handy quiz to find out:
Read the question & pick the right one from the get-go. Otherwise you'll need to hit reload.

YES	NO
		Do you put your trash out at least every other week?
		Have you ever completely finished all of your laundry and put it all away at one time?
		Do you throw away wrappers as you unwrap things (cigarettes, American cheese slices, candy, etc.)? Throwing them on the floor does not count.
		Have you made your bed more than once this month?
		Do you wash your dishes within 48 hours of dirtying them?
		Do you have fewer than two broken items in your house that you could easily fix within 10 minutes? Listen up dummies: if you have three or more, your answer is no.
		Do you pay your bills before the electricity/gas/phone gets cut off? Termination notices don't count.
		Do you refill your gas tank before it goes below empty?
		Do you brush your teeth before you go to work?
		Have you cleaned your toilet within the last two months?
		Do you usually have toilet paper? NOTE: paper towels, Taco Bell napkins, and coffee filters do NOT count as toilet paper.
		Do you have any clean underwear right now?
		Are you wearing clean underwear right now?
		Can you see the floor of your bedroom for more than 50% of any given month?
		Will you iron an item of clothing that has been wadded up on the floor of your closet for weeks before wearing it to work?
		Do you watch fewer than six hours of TV a day?
		How about on your day off?
		Have you updated your resume/tried to find a new job in the past year? (This question presumes you hate your job; if you don't, answer yes.)
		Do you recycle?

If you could answer Yes to more than 7 questions, you're obviously only a Sloth dilettante. Go concentrate on your other vices. Otherwise, welcome to the Club! Forget about the other sins; you're probably too lazy to bother. (I could have set this up so you could screw up without reloading and you didn't have to count your own answers, but I'm just too busy.)

Are you the Sloth Poster Child?

Lovely artwork adapted from the masterful Dan Clowes' Eightball.

c o n s u m e



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