As every Good Little Wifey knows, the fastest
way to a man's heart is through his gullet.
So tie on those aprons, put Wives and Lovers on the record player, and
start cooking him up a fine little meal.
But first, a few pointers:
- Men love meat. If he doesn't eat meat, girls, he's probably
a sissy. Beware. (But just because he does eat meat doesn't guarantee
he's not. Free relationship advice.)
- Avoid non-starchy vegetables at all costs. Of course, all men
love peas and corn and potatoes, but steer clear of Brussels sprouts
and zucchini if you want to keep your man happy. (Jules P. adds, "Men
also like garlic. Garlic and onions." Thanks for the reminder,
Jules. I once dated a man who hated onions, and it annoyed me greatly.)
- Even the most continental man loves creepy suburban food. Keep
Velveeta and ground beef on hand. If your man's a snob, give your June
Cleaver casseroles fancy names or lie about the recipe sources. He'll
gobble them up.
- Despite their packaging charm, canned meat products are to
be avoided. Spam is for laughing at, not for eating.
- Anything good is better with bacon. (Thanks, Christopher!)
- Butter, butter, butter!
- Dinner rolls galore. Garlic bread with that fake garlic spread
(Lawry's) will really win his
heart.
- Generous servings are a must. If his plate doesn't look like
the fattest man's in the line at Luby's, you've screwed up. This trick
allows you to eat healthy portions without looking like a glutton. If
you want him to reduce, just use smaller plates when you pile up the
chow. Men aren't very bright.
- Don't forget dessert! And don't underestimate the power of
seemingly frou-frou desserts. Why, I know one big, hulking man that
likes nothing better than to end a meal with a fluffy, mile-high slice
of coconut cream pie!
May We Suggest. .
.
Even if the idea of a loaf of meat gives you the willies, try this baby
on for size! Heavenly Meatloaf, full
of beefy and porky goodness and blanketed in bacon and a brown sugar glaze.
MMmmmm...bacon...
Steak & potatoes will never
embarrass you, but maybe you're looking for something with a bit more
flair. Perhaps your man has a sweet tooth? I recommend one of my own fella's
favorite dishes: Hawaiian Meatballs.
You
say your boy is more blue collar than Blue Hawaiian? Then try this Monster
Truck and Tractor Pull specialty: Frito
Pie!
Looking for more coquettish fare? Try Chicken
à la King and Popovers, suitable in the bachelor pad and
chafing dish alike!
And to make any occasion special, try the best pink cake in the world,
Cherry Dream Cake.
Meals Men Like Wallpaper: Meat Wallpaper
or Cake Wallpaper.
Outside link: A treat for the eyes, if not the gullet: James
Lileks' The
Gallery of Regrettable Food
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