Here they are, those dogs for all seasons,

Introducing Checkers (aka Cringer, the Hot Dirty Hairpillow, Fancy, Prancy, Wolfie, Kut Bandakut, and Red). Checkers enjoys growling and snapping, sulking, cringing, snarling, cutting her eyes, and fetch. She has gained 20 pounds in the past two years. Despite her newfound girth, she is very agile and can climb any fence. Checkers is manic-depressive and unpredictable. She likes to roll on her back and kick her legs like she'd pedaling a bike.

She also likes fresh bones, pens, twigs, pens, buttons, the tips of shoelaces, beads, gravel, nails, tacks, small pieces of glass, the (now) bald patch above her tail, and her right front paw. Checkers is currently sedated and powdered to keep her from eating her own foot. Most of the time she sleeps or stumbles around woozy, but she still manages to get in a nibble or two here and there. Checkers doesn't care much for men. She is an excellent watchdog and really likes girls.

Meet Uno! (aka Piggy, Pig, Black Suede Pig, Devil Dog, Gorman, and Hermit) Uno is not very bright but makes up for it with her good temper. She will let you do almost anything to her and still wag her rat's tail. Uno farts a lot, especially in her sleep. The farts woosh out like sighs. Uno is a crotch-sniffer, and very friendly. She rarely barks. Her mortal enemy is the fluffy black dog two yards down. I've seen her kill a possom in a flash. It took 15 minutes, a rake, and a broom to pry her off of it.

Uno's favorite snack is book binding, especially that of phone books. Uno also enjoys boxes of all varieties. She likes to take various items—trash and utensils and clothing—outside. We suspect she is hoarding it for the day she unzips her dog suit and out climbs the horrible little troll of a man, smoking a cigar, bitter and vengeful from all our taunting.

Sometimes Uno sits still as stone, with her little brown pig's eyes half-closed, and watches you like you're a T-bone steak.