Censure à la Disgruntled Housewife

Personally, I don't care if the President likes to get blowjobs. I don't care if he wanted to keep it a secret. I would have been more impressed if he had been a little more balls out about it, but what can you expect? I don't know anyone who hasn't lied about sex. And of course all the self-important legislators are whining about the phone calls. I'm thrilled that Clinton can multi-task. Shouldn't we be proud that the President can get a blow job and carry on legislative banter at the same time?

I just finished reading as much of that allegedly titillating report as I could endure without blind boredom. With all the sound bites about the lurid acts, I thought the whole thing was going to be a much more interesting read. But that stuff wouldn't have even made Playboy, much less Penthouse. What a yawn. Jesus, it reads like a dry version of some dorky girl's high school diary. She's having a secret affair with the captain of the football team (which means she blows him in the stairwell and he doesn't acknowledge her later). And while he's a dick for stringing her along, she's an idiot for falling for it. He's dating the head cheerleader (even if she IS president of the French club and gets straight As and plans to go to Smith), for Chrissakes, honey—what are you thinking? As I was reading the thing, I just kept thinking, Didn't Monica Lewinsky have cable? Didn't she see Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Valley Girl?

From what I could divine from Friday's interruption of my trashy talk shows, the big crime hinges around perjury (of course the captain of the football team is going to deny it, duh) and obstruction of justice. As for lying, c'mon. He's a politican. That's what we hire them for. The best liar wins. And as for obstruction of justice, well, who can possibly consider a job a Revlon of all places a sincere effort at buying someone off? Like that's going to shut anyone up. You couldn't buy my silence with any job, unless maybe the job was sitting around my new 200-room mansion eating expensive bon-bons and playing Scrabble.

Abuse of power? Everyone old enough to rent a car has manipulated someone for sex. Using your position to get a little action is far less objectionable than NAFTA. If the President wants to spend his time figuring out how to screw the interns instead of the American public, that's fine by me.

But I'm getting away from the task at hand. The important thing is to Teach Clinton a Valuable Lesson without making Tipper the First Lady. Clinton's no good with the phony apologies, so that's out. We could make him promise not to do it again, but come on. So the only the only logical answer is to subject him to my juvenile sentiment. Not because I think he genuinely deserves a reprimand, but because it would be funny:

1. First of all, Clinton must be made to watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Valley Girl so he can learn the difference between a nice guy and a jerk. He can substitute Mallrats or the first season of Beverly Hills 90210 for one of above movies if he has already seen either more than twice.
2. He must also watch the entire My So-Called Life series.
3. He must subscribe to, read in their entirety, and take all quizzes therein: Cosmopolitan, Seventeen, and YM.
4. He must watch Ricki at least once a week.
5. He must also watch all future episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Xena, Warrior Princess, in addition to Charmed, the upcoming Shannen Doherty teen witch series.
6. He must read all of the dirty Judy Blume books.
7. He must be made to grow a little baby mustache and wear his hair in a mullet for one month.
8. He must write, on construction paper, the passage in The World According to Garp where that creep gets his pee-pee bitten off, and tape it to his bathroom mirror so that he can read it while he brushes his teeth.
9. He must host a televised hot tub party to which only anti-Clinton female guests of Politically Incorrect are invited. At said party, he must wear a Chippendale's-inspired getup and serve dainty canapes from a silver tray.
10. During the remainder of his Presidency, he must memorize and be able to sing at will the words of any song in MTV's top ten. If the real words have been changed for the video, he must learn the real words.
11. During the remainder of his Presidency, he must only buy and wear clothes chosen by a panel of 20 high school students selected at random from around the nation.
12. He must promise never, ever to have sex with Madonna.

Because no one is perfect, if Clinton achieves 75% of the list (a solid C), he shall receive a full reprieve from the American Public, Congress, and the Press, and no one can talk bad about him for three years thereafter.

Burning Question #1: Bob Dole | Burning Question #2: OTC Medication