It
all started with Advil. Suddenly we had this great product you could
previously only get by prescription. I was so delighted with the birth
of Advil and its superiority to the pathetic aspirin and the mundane
Tylenol (but I do love anything that ends in -nol) that I bought a
giant 1000-count jug. And took it constantly. Is this a testament
to the average American's inability to self-medicate? Is this why
they were holding out on the Advil before?
The
next landmark product they let us have was the yeast infection medication.
Now what's up with that? Why did we have to go to a doctor every time
we got a yeast infection? Isn't it just the vaginal equivalent of
athlete's foot? What was the big deal? I can't imagine an antifungal
is incredibly dangerous. Besides, I've had far more success with yogurt
than with those horrible greasy suppositories. Sheesh.
Now
they've got a million things that they've suddenly decided we don't
need a doctor to give us. One is antacids. For years, poor saps all
around the country were choking down Rolaids and Tums by the fistful
in a futile attempt to ease their weary stomachs. Now they're giving
us all those tiny pills that do in ten minutes what the buckets of
Rolaids couldn't do in a lifetime. And why now? If we ever needed
the heavy-duty antacids, it was during the Reagan Era. And while we're
on the subject, doesn't this seem like the kind of thing that the
greedy pharmaceutical companies should have been doing then?
Or is it the trend toward HMOs that's making them desperate? Are fewer
people going to doctors? Well, surely this will make it more likely.
And
what about The Patch or Nicorette? How come all the would-be non-smokers
had to go to a doctor to get it? You need a doctor to tell
you smoking is bad for you? Was it the tobacco companies? The Cigarette
Man from the X-Files? Was he behind it all? Does this mean Jesse Helms
is losing his hold? Or is he somehow spearheading this whole thing?
And
of course, Minoxidil. I have no idea why you ever had to go to a doctor
for that stuff. Isn't it shame enough to be bald, but to make the
hapless sucker trot his ass down to the doctor and point out his baldness
and lay out the cash for the doctor's visit on top of all the green
he's going to be squandering on a treatment that grows hair "for some
people?" And c'mon. Since when do you need a doctor's note to buy
a fucking snake oil? Of course, there is a down side. Back
in the prescription-only days they would send you the "informational
video" about all the guys in varying stages of baldness whitewater
rafting and male bonding like a bunch of oversized Boy Scouts. They
all seemed to be getting along famously, so I wondered why they had
such a hard time adjusting to bald life in the outside world (as opposed
to the Great Outdoors, where baldness is apparently some kind of virtue).
I also wondered if the really bald ones secretly hated the ones with
receding hairlines.
In Mexico, you can walk into any drug store
and buy Retin-A, antibiotics, or birth control pills (they're really
cheap, by the way; if you live driving distance from the border, I'd
recommend finding out the Spanish equivalent of the pill you're on).
In Merry Old England, you can buy aspirin with codeine. You used to
be able to buy it here. So what's the big deal?
Do we really need to be protected from ourselves?
