Sitting here on the brink of Mr. Dole's disappearance, I feel kind of mean dissing the monkey paw. So I'll bust out my latest scientific theory about it: Alien Hand Syndrome. His heroic war injury didn't mangle his hand. What actually happened is that a traumatic head injury, followed by a stroke, caused the phenomenon known as alien hand syndrome. His political aspirations placed him in the public eye, and after a few unfortunate but little-publicized Incidents, he eventually had to sew it shut because it kept doing things he didn't want it to do (he let it keep the pencil as a concession). And now it still does, but with a lesser degree of success. But that still leaves the question. . .

What does Bob Dole's seemingly gimpy hand really do?

s it the evil hand, the one he can't control, the one that does the murders? Is it the hand that Nick Cave would dream about, the hand mangled and withered not by war, but by years of a carefully nurtured and sharply honed hatred? Does his hand look like Revenge? Is it the hand twisted from sin? The Dorian Gray hand? Is it the hand that pinches him during press conferences until his eyes water? The hand that punches his sleeping wife? Is there something inside it? Does it hold a bad penny or a monkey paw or a shriveled baby's foot? A fistful of Valium? A switchblade? What's really in that angry little fist? And what would you do if you saw Bob Dole coming after you with that pencil?

Here's a terrible Bob Dole joke: How can you tell when Bob and Elizabeth Dole have just finished having sex? Elizabeth Dole has ink marks all over her breasts. You know, it's really not very much fun picking on him anymore. The official Bob Dole for President site as it was on Super Tuesday 1996 | Bob Dole's Skeleton Closet

Burning Question #3: That Naughty President | Burning Question #2: OTC Medication